“Back in my day it was a shameful thing to be dependent on the government. If you were a man, you’d do whatever you could to provide for yourself and your family.”–My Dad.
My dad is a staunch conservative and was #TeamMAGA from day one. I’m actually about 99% sure that my dad voted for Donald Trump in the GOP primary. Why? I don’t know.
Actually I do, my dad wanted someone “different” in Washington. Someone who wasn’t afraid to “call it like is,” bucking the toxic “politically correct” culture that was clearly the root of all evil.
Growing up, our nightly routine at 7pm was to watch the O’Reilly Factor with my dad pausing the show every 3 minutes to add his own commentary. That’s the environment I grew up in.
In his eyes, anyone who had to depend on the government to survive was lazy, entitled, or unwilling to work. Growing up, I really didn’t know different, so I agreed.
I grew up wealthy, but I didn’t know it at the time. At 16 years old I probably would have admitted that we were above average, or that we were well-off, but I certainly would not have said rich. I mean, compared to my friends and classmates I truly was “average.”
But I was “average” in one of the wealthiest zip codes in the state of Texas.
When you’re 16 though you don’t really have perspective on those kinds of things. My first car? Paid for. My college education? Paid for.
Needless to say, my view on life was a bit narrow.
I have friends in real life and in the world of personal finance bloggers who are fighting tooth and nail, scrimping and saving, side hustling, and doing everything they can to pay off their student loans.
I have SO MUCH FREAKING respect for these people who write about their journey to get out of student loan debt:
- Emilie, WiseMindMoney
- Veronika, DebtsToRiches
This is actually the main reason I don’t talk much about student loans on this blog is because I would feel like a fake. I haven’t had to fight that uphill battle and I won’t pretend like I did.
I’ve come to realize just how incredibly fortunate I am. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve already won the lottery.
Tangent over…
I love my dad and I still hold to conservative values, but my perspective on these things started to change when I actually met people from different backgrounds and life circumstances. The sharp edges to my young conservatism have been rubbed smooth through the gracious conversations and people I’ve met.
4 Life Lessons Learned From My Neighbor
Today I want to share how my neighbor, let’s call him Chad, has changed my perspective on some of these things. You see, Chad is on full disability. He doesn’t work and he spends 99% of his time at home. He’s honestly a bit crazy, but he’s one of the most warm-hearted and caring people I’ve ever met.
I’ve learned a lot from Chad over the past two years. He’s a fellow ODO (obsessive dog owner), coffee drinker, and we often talk for hours about religion / faith. The longer we’ve been neighbors, the closer of friends we’ve become.
About 8 years ago Chad had a brain tumor (and possibly cancer?) that had to be removed. Since the surgery he has been unable to drive because of seizures and when combined with crippling migraines and extreme exhaustion he hasn’t been able to work.
His life is hard, but his perspective is inspiring.
Money won’t make you Happy
The first thing I’ve learned from Chad is that money won’t make you content. Chad has had a rough go over the last ten years. Cancer, tumors, divorce, lengthy hospital stays, and bankruptcy.
Despite all of this, he has maintained a positive outlook on life and he has said countless times that he no longer longs for a big house, material possessions, or a million bucks in the bank. He just wants to be happy and spend time with his daughter.
Honestly, I wish I had the same level of contentment that he does. I’m embarrassed to say that far too often, my attitude and view on life is dependent on how our finances are doing, how much we’re saving, and how the stock market is performing.
The truth is that no amount of money will make you happy or content.
People Living on Full Disability are not lazy
I honestly used to think that people who are on full government assistance were just lazy. Having spent the past two years getting to know Chad I’ve realized how wrong I was. He isn’t lazy. Yes, he’s dependent on the government to get by each month, but here’s the key thing…
He doesn’t want to be. In fact, he wishes more than anything that he could work, provide for himself and his daughter. He wishes he could go out and contribute value to the world through a career. He wishes that he could still practice as an attorney. In fact, he’s asked me a number of times if there is anything he can do up at our church to make a little bit of cash.
But he can’t. He can’t do any of those things.
Why?
Because if he went back to work he’d be giving up his disability pay and he would immediately have to start paying back the debt he defaulted on. After all of the medical bills were totalled up he had over $1,000,000 in medical debt and at the time he was unable to work so he had to declare bankruptcy.
Good Health isn’t guaranteed
This one has been the hardest for me to accept. When Chad was my age he was starting his career, working overseas for the USO, and when he came home he started practicing law. He got married, had a daughter, and then life took a sharp turn for the worse.
In his own words, his life came crashing down. He never imagined he would get cancer, be hospitable bound, or struggle to get through each day.
I’m 25 and haven’t been to the hospital since I was 12 (appendicitis). The most sick I’ve been in the last 6 years is strep throat and it cleared up after 3-4 days of antibiotics.
Chad tells me often, “Rich, enjoy your health. Never take it for granted like I did.”
The reality is that good health for a lifetime is not guaranteed. Getting and staying healthy is one of my priorities for this year!
I’m already down around 15lbs! I’ve been doing this through getting back into the gym 4x a week and trying to eat healthy. Preparing food ahead of time has been a game changer for me. So far I’ve been able to save around 20% on my grocery spending by using this list of meal prepping recipes.
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Generosity doesn’t require wealth
I really think that too many people fall into the trap of thinking that they need to be rich in order to be generous. I get that people want to take care of themselves before taking care of others, especially when it comes to giving with their finances.
What I love about Chad is that he has found ways to be incredibly generous that don’t require wealth.
He helps our downstairs neighbor carry in her groceries. He sits with the grandma next door for hours just to give her company and someone to talk to. Best of all, he watches our dog a few days a week whenever we are at work all day!
From what I’ve noticed, people who have generous hearts find a way to give regardless of money. People who don’t want to be generous will always have an excuse or loophole to avoid it.
Big Takeaway
This post obviously is different from the majority of the content I write (how to save money and manage your own finances). Over the past year I’ve been trying to drill down and challenge some of my own assumptions and beliefs.
We can all stand to learn from those who are different than us, who have had different life experiences, or come from different backgrounds. Odds are, you’ll change some of your own beliefs and be inspired to make some changes in your own life.
3 quick applications:
- Find a source of contentment that isn’t dependent on your finances.
- Be generous to others regardless of your wealth
- Be willing to challenge some of your own assumptions about people.
I’d love to see y’all hop in the comments!
What’s an assumption you used to have that has been changed recently?
What are some that you practice generosity that don’t involve money?
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Thank you for writing this! I’m super impressed that you’re making such a big effort to challenge your beliefs and perspectives, and seeing government assistance differently is a super hard thing for most people to do. I grew up with a disabled dad who also would have preferred to work in some way, and luckily managed to avoid the stigma that many people on other forms of assistance have to deal with, so have seen first-hand that people on disability are generally not just trying to mooch a free lunch. That said, I suspect there will be those who will read this and say, “See! This is why government support is bad! Because it forces you to stay unemployed!” But that’s not true, either. We have a labor system that puts the control in the hands of employers, and employers generally don’t want to hire disabled people, especially disabled people who can’t predict one day if they’ll feel well enough to work the next. So while your neighbor may WANT to work, odds are slim that he really could, and that’s why we need the safety net. Again, kudos for taking some of this stuff on! And thank you for your compassion to your neighbor and friend. 🙂
Thanks for the super thoughtful reply Tanja! I’m glad your dad managed to avoid that kind of stigma. It’s definitely been an eye opening experience. He spent 60 days in the hospital last year because he missed his seizure meds for a couple of days.
Some may read this and say that, and honestly, that would have been me at some point! I had a 5th point in the post about the system being broken, but it started to take over the whole post so I saved it for a future one! He’s stuck in a hole he really can’t get out of. He physically can’t work more than 20-30 hours a week, which wouldn’t be enough to fully provide for himself, but if he worked that much he would lose his govt assistance. Therefore, he’s sort of forced into a life of simply subsisting.
First, your dog is ridiculously cute and I feel the need to reach into the screen and scratch his ears.
This is a great post. Really nicely done. It’s amazing what we learn when we walk away from the anonymous, toxic “conversations” on social media and really start to listen. This is something I am making a real effort to do, too. It’s no secret that I’m about as liberal as a person can get. However, I do truly want to know where other people are coming from on issues like the national budget, insurance, jobs, etc. I’ve been trying to talk less and find more common ground. It’s actually not that hard to do… who knew?!? 🙂
Hahah! She is the cutest.
Appreciate your thoughts! I’ve had a number of similar “eye-opening” conversations and friendships over the last year. Maybe I’ll write more about these! Would love to chat with you sometime to hear more about where you’re at on those issues as well–would probably be beneficial for both of us!
Thanks for writing this. I too grew up in the bosom of a family that was strongly conservative but learned to widen my horizons as I grew older and learned from other people’s life lessons.
The most poignant reason I learned to think differently about the security net of disabilitywas the deterioration of my mom’s and then my own health.
Many of us who struggle with health issues do strongly want to work, and I’m going to work every day that I can without sacrificing my health more than I have, because I want to earn for my family and future. But the crappy truth is I have health issues that aren’t curable and it may bring me down the road to a place where, like Chad, I may not be able to work anymore. Mom wanted badly to work too, and did so until it became too dangerous to herself and others for her to continue. We convinced her to stop with difficulty but her inability to work and sustain herself was incredibly depressing. At the same time, having her return to work wasn’t an option. I think of how many others must be in the same boat where, it’s bad enough that your body has failed you so badly that you can’t do what you love or earn a living, but now you’re forced to live with the stigma our society heaps on people who are on full time disability. Or you could not take the disability, go broke and starve. Not great choices.
With our experiences, I’ve learned never to take any day for granted. We may not be rich but we are wealthier than many and it’s incumbent on us to try to leave the world a better place than we found it.
We give time and money: working with kids in our low income school district, contribute goods and services and money as appropriate to animal shelters, homeless shelters, CASA, aid in disaster areas, veterans, among other causes dear to our hearts. We take care of our own families and friends as best we can, while doing our best to invest for our own future so that we’re not a burden on anyone.
We always remember too that you never know what fortune, good or ill, is around the corner.
Wow! What a comment. Really appreciate you taking the time to open up and share all of that, especially about you and your mom’s history with health. I honestly can’t imagine what it would be like, but I have two close friends who are dealing with chronic pain. Some days they wake up ready to conquer the world and other days getting out of bed is a feat in itself. Again, this was a huge eye-opener for me. Maintaining a job, especially one that is full-time and has benefits like insurance is incredibly difficult when chronic pain and health is an ongoing issue. For my neighbor he is at the stage in his health where he is physically able to work some, but not enough to fully provide for himself. Painful for him because he is such a social guy.
It sounds like you and your family are handling it well! Take every day as it comes and enjoy it. Find ways to give back and enrich the lives of others. I love what CASA does! So great that you volunteer and give in all the ways that you can. We serve a lot through our local church and are hoping to adopt someday (post coming eventually)!
I honestly hadn’t realized you’d grown up with such a conservative background. You ask some of the most insightful questions and are really open to having your beliefs challenged. This world really would be a better place if more people were willing to have the discussions you do.
Thanks Angela! I definitely grew up with a conservative background and I still am fairly conservative–on certain issues, but overall I’d say I’m much softer and more moderate than I used to be.
Would love to chat more about some of these things!
This was a great read. I wish more people were open to challenging their own deeply held beliefs the way you seem to be. It really does seem to be the case that exposure to people of different backgrounds and circumstances is the best cure for beliefs that were perhaps close-minded or rooted in dogma. We should all work to better understand the lives and opinions of people that are different than us.
Your neighbor seems like a great person and I wholeheartedly agree with the lessons you’ve highlighted here. I’m so grateful for my own health and it’s inspirational to see someone that can remain so positive and giving despite their setbacks.
Hey Andy! Thanks for the thoughtful comment! I’ll be honest, I didn’t necessarily go into it with eyes open, but over time just the friendship has changed the way I think and view things. I love what you said though, exposure to different perspectives really is such a necessary thing these days. Even if you come away without changing your views, it can be beneficial to understand where others are coming from.
It’s incredibly difficult to own up to being wrong, so kudos to you for writing this post and for being willing to challenge your beliefs. I think the world would be a better place if everyone had more conversations with people who are different from them. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to at least understand where they’re coming from.
Your neighbor sounds like an amazing guy and I’m so impressed by his generosity and level of contentment. I have a feeling I wouldn’t be nearly as gracious if I were in his situation, so there’s yet another reason to not take my health for granted!
I love how self-reflective this is.
And my little heart just skipped a beat in excitement reading my name in there. You’re the best.
I had a really similar upbringing, and it wasn’t until I got out in the “real world” and met actual people different than me that I started really changing my views. I actually consider myself to be pretty liberal now, but there are even still times I find myself unravelling long-held beliefs or even stereotypes that I didn’t even realize were there. It’s super interesting to me faith-wise too how my views have changed because a lot of my previous (that I would now consider “incorrect,” or often “misguided”) views were shaped in the context of my faith, but I think it’s actually grown stronger as they’ve changed. There is always more to learn and grow.
Your neighbor sounds like an amazing person, and I’m so glad you got to experience a shift in perspective in such a powerfully positive way. Great post, Rich!!
Thanks for digging into and thinking about this topic. I was on disability for 16 years and started my first full-time job at 40. I’m grateful for the assistance I receive – you name it, I got it – because it allowed me to live on my own, moved to a city where I ended up getting better medical care and continuing my education (slowly). The first year I ‘had’ to pay taxes, I was so excited!
Thanks for a thoughtful post. It certainly helped to understand where you were coming from and where you ended up, making these lessons even more important. My wife has been on disability for years and she is definitely not lazy. She also volunteers once a week at the local food bank to help others. We’re both keenly aware that good health is not a given (if I were not retired, I’d probably be on disability myself now), and try to spread that message wherever we can.
Your neighbor Chad sounds like a great guy and I am glad you were able to challenge your assumptions and see him for who he really is.
As someone who ended up with a disability at age 19, I appreciate your broadening your views on disabled people’s dependence on government funds. Because I’ve yet to meet a disabled person on SSD who doesn’t want to work. I know I hated it when I was on it. (I’ve since been lucky enough to find a job I can do from home, But now my husband is on disability because that’s the luck we have.)
It’s demoralizing because you can’t “earn” your money. It’s exhausting because the payments don’t cover much at all. (I got $766, which is bad enough in general but worse in a city where it was customary to pay $700 for a one-bedroom apartment, $450-$500 for a room in a house.) And it’s embarrassing because you quickly learn that one of the first questions everyone asks is, “So what do you do for a living?” And even if you’re not worried about them judging you (and you probably are), you have to deal with potential pity looks.
Being sick tends to require enough maintenance to be practically a full-time job itself, so I do hope you keep appreciating your health while you have it. And that you’re one of the lucky ones who stays healthy for a long time.